Maintaining Disciplined Self-Image and Integrity through Illness, Adversity, and Depression: Training to Win amidst chronic disease

Step One: Know your enemy

This is the first of a ten post series that I promised myself I’d produce to celebrate the accomplishment of completing the 50K ultramarathon I ran on September 12th. I will be dropping these posts daily, and Episode 1 of our new podcast is dropping after post #10. If you are reading this, our podcast trailer should be LIVE on our site right now, and you should be able to subscribe to Modern Forager Podcast on all major platforms.

6 months out from the race, I took the first step out my front door. My race was on the Maine Coast, and comprised of 15,200+ feet of elevation change. A more foreboding feat than any non-obstacle course race I attempted in good health. Still sick, tired and broken, still living in a toxic environment, in March I set out to prove to myself that all aspects of my Being I once cherished were still there, and that the wellspring of my Willpower was lying in wait for me to engage in its reserves.

But first let's get to the point... because I know how wrecked our attention spans are, so really unless you are going through it yourself and need help and/or motivation, I don’t expect you will read the whole thing. I gotcha covered.

17+ doctors in 5 years: This count is only the people I actually saw as a patient, with a formal intake and at least one follow up visit. It does not include experiences with doctors and healers at workshops or seminars, or casual exchanges of knowledge with other high performers, of which there were many. NEVER stop searching until YOU believe with all your heart that you have found all the answers you need.

None of the people I consulted along the way on this healing journey had half the answers I did. And for those who were also struggling I did not have half their answers for them. Not even the best. Not even those I still currently keep on my team. Not even the 1-2 I may never outgrow in their particular expertise. Not even the ones that like me, are expert systems-thinkers and as I like to say ‘specialize in honoring the themes of the mural’, in that we are very good at not getting bogged down in the analysis of individual brush strokes. Have any of your doctors ever seen the full mural? Do you think they even have the time to hear it? Keep moving! You determine when you stop. Knowing your enemy takes more than one person. You cannot develop a strategy to fight a dragon if you have only ever seen its tail. You need to know the full scope of what you are dealing with.

YES, your word is more valuable than your doctors’. Your doctors are members of your healthcare team and you are the founder, head coach, and CEO. You know your body more than anyone else and if you have put in the work to educate yourself (see principle 2 in my next post), NEVER let any doc walk all over you or discredit your perception of the problem.

That is not to say you need to confront anyone who you disagree with. And this is not an anti-doctor post. This is a pro-self post. Doctors are consultants, not bosses and certainly not priests. The good ones know this. I have become good at knowing when to fire people and leave, and when to recognize there is still value in the relationship despite not agreeing with everything said. You can even move on and maintain a less official correspondence, or even friendship in some cases. So I let the bullshit flow in one ear and out the other, and keep my healthcare team members around for what value they provide in my opinion. When that value stops coming or sunk costs too far exceed what I gain from my time and investment, I leave. I know more than any of them. It is my story and my body. No one has or ever will have a higher interest in my case or a broader, deeper view of me than I do. Even the greatest docs I have been to sometimes, or often times, like to suggest otherwise.

Originally, this blog entry had a rough and very much abbreviated, albeit complete timeline of my journey toward ‘diagnosis’, which is really a horribly misleading term coined back when sickness more often meant singular isolated diseases, infections, and injuries. Neolithic dis-ease complexes read like books and appear as grand tapestries. The label you receive as your diagnosis is a single brush stroke within that mural, a finishing touch, if you will. Nonetheless these labels are valuable if we confine ourselves to paying them their respects in the proper context. In functional and holistic medicinal approaches, the antecedents and mediators (environmental, emotional, hereditary, and physiological factors that predispose us to risk of adverse outcomes like disease when triggering events occur) are equally important in understanding and correcting disorders.

The post included the timeline of my own fight against dis-ease because I had this idea of helping others through expressing the full truth of my journey. In this way, I could show anyone who may be stuck, in need, or feel alone that they don’t need to be, and that there is always hope. It laid out everything: themes of depression, trauma, suicidal thoughts, incriminating claims against institutions within the Chiropractic community, losing almost every relationship I cared about through the illness process, having to give up most of our worldly possessions, the lengths I’ve had to go to in order to fight for what quality of life I have managed to maintain. I was sharing in brutal honesty only in the hopes that it may help anyone who had similar burdens to bear. I thought it aligned with our brand’s mission to be, for better or worse, completely transparent and raw in our vulnerability.

I believe leading by example should include sharing the worst of you, though I have yet to see how this concept will be received, or if it pays off.

I simply wanted to start where I would like to feel comfortable ending up: In a place where I can reveal all aspects of my being and in doing so, help others feel safe and comfortable enough with who they are to do the same.

I decided to leave out the actual timeline, which included major antecedent and mediator events and doctor count broken down by year from 2013-2020, because ultimately I felt as though the statement was altogether too negative, the value it provided by explaining specific problems and solutions I’d been through would be shared in more detail and in more positive ways at some point or another, and I wanted this blog series, although its story may be told through the lens of my experience, to focus on whatever inspiration I can provide you, the reader. I will tell that part of my story in due time and in the right context, if and when it is needed.

For now, please just know that you are never helpless, that recovery from damn near anything is possible, and that even when you are at your weakest, you can be STRONG. To see how I have managed to express this in my own story, check out the posts to follow.

Post 2 of this series hits tomorrow night: Educate Educate Educate

If you know anyone you think this message could help who is struggling, please do not hesitate to share.

Be bold with me. Vulnerability is strength. There is no weakness here other than that which we seek to help eliminate. I have already shared this information with everyone whos’ knowing I personally value. I share this now for your benefit, and wrote this whole series for whoever’s out there who has also been put through the ringer of chronic dis-ease.

If you’ve taken the time to read our first ever official blog post at the new Forager Health site Id like to say THANK YOU! Feel free to reach out if you need help or have any feedback. You are Loved and you are not alone. -J